| HAHAHAHA!!! I stole this from Julie's MySpace. I thought the word needed to be spread to more people. Soooooo funny!!!
NEW RULE: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't it mixed up with an empty cup and throw it out the window.
NEW RULE: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moatand you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
NEW RULE: If you work at an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day, and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now, "Cook," "Defrost" and "Hepatitis." And if you're not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
NEW RULE: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be weed in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
NEW RULE: If you're too lazy to peel your own fruit, get scurvy and die! Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they're too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a new cone-less ice cream that your mother pre-chews and spits down your throat.
NEW RULE: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.
NEW RULE: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. Hmm. If there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office...
NEW RULE: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration. Which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot? - Praise Jesus!"
NEW RULE: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom.
And finally, NEW RULE: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. Recently, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "THE WAR ON CHRISTIANS." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.
Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes.
You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.
Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...too Jewish."
In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!
The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.
And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. |
